Why do I feel so conflicted with catching feelings

There’s something different about hanging out with her. It’s so much more fun even if it’s not that different from others I’m dating.

That’s called catching feelings, you know. It’s been such along time since the last time.

Really, catching feelings? Huh. Yeah, a bit over six years. I hope she likes me back too. Tho she says her life situation isn’t the best for a more serious relationship now.

Well, if she doesn’t catch feelings for you or this is "a wrong time", then she’s just not a good match. You’ll find better matches.

I want her to like me. Maybe if I’ll wait a bit…

You just totally ignored what I said.

I just want to have her all to me. She’ll complement me so I’ll be whole. But I’m not sure, she doesn’t answer my texts that quickly. Maybe if I’ll give more to the relationship, she’ll notice and like me more.

Hmm, are you even listening to me?

Her life situation isn’t the best for more serious relationship tho. Then again, does she even like me in the same way I do? Maybe it would be better for me to just end it right here and now.

Hey! Listen here.

She also doesn’t have that much time to hang out with me often. Maybe she doesn’t like me at all? Maybe she even despises me. I just wish I was… —

… WAKE THE FUCK UP!

— Huh? What?

Fucking finally it stopped. You do realize that that thought pattern is unhealthy as fuck?

Huh? Why? You mean wanting to spend more time with her?

Wanting to spending time isn’t unhealthy, where that surfaces from for you is.

What do you mean where that surfaces from? It’s yet another of those childhood trauma things isn’t it?

Yup, you guessed it. But let’s dissect this first, see where they might originate from and how they manifest for you now.

You mentioned hoping that she’ll gain more interest if you put more effort in to the relationship.

Yeah, isn’t effort needed for a relationship to flourish?

Yes, but. For you, those thoughts rise up because you fear the abandonment. That she’ll walk away. To counteract the fear, you feel you should do more and put in more effort. While in reality, if she’s not interested in you in that way, there is nothing you can do to make her stay or be more interested.

But, but… Do I just need to became cold toward her on whether the relationship will move forward or not?

You don’t need to be cold, but you can be at peace with all options of whether you are fine dating her more casually, see her also catching feelings, or ending the relationship when you’re not finding the thing you look for. Hanging on to the hope that things change is what’s the unhealthy part, not hoping for something you want.

How is that any different?

One has boundaries on what they appreciate and communicates what they’d like to see. The other disregards their own boundaries in hopes that their crush stays.

Yeaaaaah… and?

When more securely attached, you would tell that you’d appreciate and want certain things such as attention by physical touch. If you couldn’t get that, you’d want to talk about it and be ready end the budding relationship if your needs wouldn’t be met. While with your anxious side, you’d crave constant reassurance with a person that might not be interested in giving that. And instead of respecting your own boundaries, you are willing to give those up. Does that clarify?

At least a bit. I guess?

Okay, let’s leave that for now and look at the other side of your conflicting thoughts.

There’s more?!

Yup, isn’t our mind fun! You ruminated whether chasing this possibility makes any sense and ended up wondering whether to just end it here and now. Without consulting her, or even realizing that you withdraw because things are getting somewhat more intimate.

Wait, isn’t that a contradiction with earlier craving of more effort?

Sure is. You crave intimate relationships, but the moment you achieve certain level of intimacy, you subconsciously start fearing that they, too, will reject you. Thus you preemptively withdraw emotionally by locking down.

Wouldn’t this all contradicting myself be extremely confusing to others?

It is! There’s two aspects to it, tho. One that you start pulling away emotionally the more intimate things become. Thus at one moment you will look so interested and then completely indifferent the next moment depending on how much vulnerability is needed in each moment. Two, when things heat up into a conflict, you lock down almost immediately. For this reason, when you suddenly go silent, they can’t know whether it is because you’re angry at them or whether something is wrong on your end. Especially when you yourself don’t know the reason, because the silence treatment isn’t even a conscious action. You want to talk, but you just can’t.

Not being able to talk in a conflict does sound awfully familiar. Wait, you mean that’s not supposed to happen? That I could actually not be an asshole and talk about things?

Yeah. You know, how adults are expected to handle conflicts. Although you could still give them the silent treatment, but then you’d need to be an asshole consciously. And that probably would be even worse. But, you’re correct in that it shouldn’t happen. You’re freezing up because that’s your learned coping mechanism from the childhood.

You mean, this too has roots in fearing parents since childhood?

Most likely, yes. It’s fairly well ingrained to your body that the moment you reach out for intimacy, you will be hurt by the one you would like to have intimacy from.

Oh for fuck sake, really?

To make things worse, the coping mechanism happens subconsciously. So it’s not enough to logically think there’s nothing to fear in your girlfriend or the girl you have a crush on. You need to process your trauma and make your body recognize that intimacy is safe and serene instead of triggering and threatening.

What about the conflicts then? Won’t those still be seen as threatening?

Patience, my young padawan. You first need to walk before you run. If you see just being intimately with someone as threatening, there’s no way conflicts wouldn’t feel multiple times so. Once you feel peaceful with the level of intimacy deepening and just being with them, then you can focus on how you react during the conflict situations. Ideally, you’re as peaceful in the conflict as you are normally, which allows you to just talk the problem through. But initially you want to focus on just achieving a level where you don’t freeze completely every time there’s a disagreement. Just so you can say that "please a timeout, this triggered my coping mechanism and I need some time to calm down".

Fair enough. Fucking hell, there’s such a long way to go from here, huh.

At least now you’re aware of these problems, which is the first step to changing the patterns.