In the past, I felt most conversations felt really fake. Especially the small talk you are expected to do.
Talking about topics like latest TV shows, movies, pop songs or diets. They were so god damn boring! I had nothing to give to these conversations.
Like, is this really all people talk about? Why does it feel so fake?
But was it? The people other than me seemed to be enjoying those discussions about those mundane topics. There probably was something that I was missing in all the fancy small talk.
Since then, I’ve learned that small talk is a crucial aspect in starting a conversation. But my problem back then, and even now, is when the conversation stays at a small talk level and never dives deeper into more interesting discussions.
Small talk conveys that you’re friendly instead of dangerous, and that you want to talk to them
The main point of small talk is to show to others that you are friendly and want to talk by making others feel they are heard.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Especially when you’re talking to a person you haven’t talked to before, you’re trying to signal that you’re friendly. You do this by making friendly facial expression, like smiling or at least not a frown, and asking some get-to-know-you questions.
The same applies to people you’ve met before. Questions like “So, how are you doing?” or “How’s that thing you mentioned last time going?” signal that you want to talk with them again.
Nothing more, nothing less.
And that’s my problem with them when the conversation stays at this small talk surface level.
From an information transfer to more personal conversations
Basically, small talk is a transaction of information and facts.
Did they see a newly released TV show or movie. What have they done since meeting last time. Have they listened to the latest pop hit song. Did they watch the latest competition. What do they think about this lifting program. Have they tried the new restaurant.
Information and facts. You could switch the person to anyone else, and you could still have the same conversation.
There’s nothing in it that makes it feel it’s between these two specific people.
There’s no connection. It’s not personal between those two people.
To make it more personal, we should talk that we actually care about, our motivations. For example, opinions, beliefs, ideas, future plans, passions, interests, hopes or fears. Still within the same factual topic, but instead we focus on the other person’s motivations around the topic.
What it could look like
Let’s look at an example.
> How was your weekend?
< I had a really delicious pizza in this new place around the block where I live.
> Cool. Was it what you expected? Would you go there again?
< Probably yeah. It’s so close and really good. I can’t resist a good pizza after all.
> Sounds familiar! Is pizza your favorite food? What do you like the most about it?
< Yeah! I love the combination of a fluffy crust combined with delicious cheese. Just perfect for my cravings!
Ok, that’s a bit fake (pun intended) example. But you can see how we asked for their motivation and we learned why they would go to the same place again and why they like pizza in general. Not just that they ate a pizza last weekend.
Of course, food can be quite a boring topic for some. But the same principle applies for making any small talk more interesting. You focus on their motivations behind their actions rather than what they did.
These motivations turn the conversation from facts to learning about the person. We get to know a real person and their relation to the topic instead of just facts surrounding it.
Try these example lines to turn small talk more interesting
So next time you feel the small talk is boring and it feels so fake, try these example lines:
- “Do you think it’s stressful or fun?
- “What do you like the most about it?”
- “Is that a passion of yours?”
- “What are your future plans?”
- “Was it what you expected?” and “Would you go there again?” when someone travelled somewhere or visited a fancy place
- “What started the interest for you?”
These kinds of questions aren’t just “good to ask”.
These are the make-or-break on whether you have interesting conversations with people, connect with them, and get to know them on a deeper level.
Takeaways
- Small talk is crucial in signalling to people that we’re friendly towards them and want to talk. It’s important whether you’re meeting for the first time or for the hundredth time.
- Small talk is a problem if the conversation never progresses from the level of exchanging facts to personal motivations. To get to know a person, we need to move from facts to talking about their opinions, interests and fears.
- Moving from fact-based small talk into personal motivation often makes or breaks whether we connect with people and get to know them better.
