Why “Go Out And Meet People” Is Bad Advice To Lonely People

Or some variation of these at least.

People who give these advice mean it well. But why then does it sound like a “go fuck yourself” to people who struggle with finding friends?

Like, yes. I know that I need to meet people to make friends. I’m lonely, not stupid.

But what if you go out and you still get no friendships. What then?

“Just go out even more”. Thanks, and fuck you too.

I’ve reflected why this advice has annoyed me so much during the years. And I think I’ve figured out at least a bit why it bothered me.

“Go out and meet more people” is valid advice, because that has worked for them. They wouldn’t give it otherwise.

But it didn’t work for my situation.

Do you know what’s your reason for no friends?

I’ve since realized that what is a good advice depends a lot on why do you struggle in getting friends.

For example, if you’ve moved to a new city far away from your previous social circles. You will have completely different set of problems in building a new social circle compared to a person who has never had friends.

So let’s think about the potential struggles.

If you’ve never had friends, you might struggle with talking to people, finding common interesting topics to discuss outside the small talk, or fear that others dislike you regardless what you do.

If you can start and hold a conversation with a stranger, but not build friendships, you might struggle with organizing or getting invited to social gatherings, or have tough life situation where new friends don’t fit well.

For shy and / or introverted people, who struggle saying hello to a stranger or hold a conversation with strangers? “Go out and meet more people” advice does more harm than good in my experience.

If you’re good at building friendships but lost your social circle for whatever reason, then you might need to participate to events you like more. Then it becomes a matter of meeting more people and finding those that you enjoy spending time with.

As you probably see, advice like “start a new hobby” or “go out and meet new people” can work when given to people who already have social skills to chat to people comfortably and build friendships with them.

In other words, it’s an advice to people who need an encouragement to do something.

For shy and / or introverted people, who struggle saying hello to a stranger or hold a conversation with strangers?

The advice does more harm than good in my experience.

Can you build up skills to be confident with talking to strangers and building friendships? 100% yes, because I’ve transformed myself from a shy, introverted and really silent guy into a decently social person.

But I needed a completely different set of advice than “go out and meet more people”.

That’s why it’s a waste of an advice, when given to the wrong people. Even if the giver means it well.

That’s why it sounds like a “fuck you” too often.

Reflect what is your situation, and find better advice

For advice to not feel like a “fuck you”, it needs to fit your situation better.

Reflect, what is holding you back in building your dream social life whether it’s 100 friends or just one really good best friend. Shyness to talk to a stranger? Deepening a connection from an acquaintance to a friend? Meeting more people?

Then try to search for advice that would work better in your situation.

Finally, face the fear of doing it and take action.

Takeaways

• “Go out and meet more people” works for the people who have social skills, but it is problematic for people who struggle with loneliness for other reasons
• People struggling with loneliness need different advice depending on whether they are struggling with talking to strangers, building a friendship or lost to where to meet people with common interests
• To go from a shy individual to a somewhat social person, you need different advice at each stage. First, identify what’s your biggest problem. Second, find advice that resonates with your situation. Then, face the fear of doing it and take action.