On craving a relationship and hyperindependence

I crave to be in a relationship.

What makes you crave that? Are you sure that is what you are really missing, not something else?

What do you mean with that? Of course I want to be with someone. I want to share things I enjoy and also find pleasure in things they like. So I can give to their life as well as get more in my life.

And that’s the reason why you’ve pulled away when they became more vulnerable and emotionally close? You were giving more to their life and sharing yours? That’s the reason you eventually ended all your relationships when they become too emotionally close? Because it was more fun?

Well no, those had problems why I didn’t see it working long term…

But…? There were no patterns, at all? You just happened to get into relationships with "wrong type" of girls five times in a row?

You’re not gonna take a no, it seems.

Not anymore.

You’re a pain in the ass, you know. Okay, there might’ve been some pattern that it’s always me ending it. And that it was always after there had been couple fights on me getting distant and not appreciating her.

At least you recognize it, good.

So what of it? How does patterns in previous relationships and craving to be in a new one conflict with each other?

Well. You’re mostly repeating the same mistakes again and again. How will the next relationship be better, if you haven’t worked on the problems that got you anxious in the past relationships?

How can I work on them if I’m not in one? Or are you suggesting that being single and independent just suits me better? To just give up on relationships, suck it up like a fucking man and stay single forever?

No, just the opposite. What if I told you that it is unhealthy being so hyperindependent, always feeling alone, going through life problems with the Finnish sisu and never feeling like you can be vulnerable?

Yeah right, you’re saying that being dependent on someone is better than being independent? Fuck off. There’s no way any partner would stay long in that case.

You can ignore my words and purposefully twist them if you want. But that’s not going to prevent you from deeply hurting yet another girl you like. Have you really turned into a monster that doesn’t care about hurting their loved ones? The one you’re so afraid of turning into?

Okay fine, you fuck. How’s independence unhealthy?

Hyperindependence. There are times in life where you just need help from someone.

But I’ve asked for help at work and school. I also started to build a way to distribute the corporate relations workload during my board member year. I’m not a god and I know it, you know.

It’s good that you realize it in some areas. Although your track record for following that isn’t stellar. That’s likely the reason you’re close to burning out constantly. But depending on others to overachieve just a little more wasn’t where we started, relationships were.

Right, and?

You’re guarded with your girlfriends. You worry that they will abandon you the moment they really get to know you. At the same time, you feel suffocated when they are emotionally vulnerable.

Hm?

Oh right, you don’t even realize what emotional closeness is, because you haven’t experienced that since, I dunno, maybe preschool times. They are those moments when you freeze totally and are unable to speak during a conversation about your relationship with your girlfriend. Those moments which your girlfriends assume to be silent treatment, when in reality you’re panicking internally. Sound familiar?

…what?

Shocking, right? The thing you crave so much from the relationships is the very thing that scares the shit out of you. You freezing is a coping mechanism you build to survive in childhood.

…a coping mechanism? For what? I don’t think things were bad tho. I wasn’t hit, abused or anything as far as I can remember?

Nope, sorry. Nothing that obvious. Parents weren’t home most of the time. Mom studied in an university abroad. Dad worked long hours thus basically only slept home. And when they were both home, they argued in front of you. Oh, and remember what was the first reaction you got from mom whenever she got home for a weekend?

You mean that she started shouting at us for not cleaning the house properly? But she was right though, we hadn’t cleaned it properly.

You were 8, or was it 7, at the time. It’s not your job to deep clean a house with more than 200m2. I digress, remember how you felt before she opened the door?

Yeah, I was giddy to see her after a long time away. Videocalls and such weren’t a common thing back then after all.

And immediately after she got through the door and started shouting about the cleanliness?

… I was scared.

Yeah, the very person you expected to be your safety in life was the very person you were scared of. And with neither being home often, you had no choice but to build a coping mechanism of appearing independent.

Appearing independent?

For fuck sake, 8 year old isn’t supposed to even think about being independent. Much less feel the need to be. You had to build a shell of hyperindependence in order to cope with the situation that you couldn’t trust your parents. They weren’t there to help you build emotional skills in safe environment. They themselves felt like a threat.

A threat that you could not run away from, because you were totally dependent on them.

Which manifests now… as fear of trusting someone when they try to get emotionally close?

Exactly. You crave to be emotionally close and vulnerable with someone. You want to feel that someone deeply cares for you. All because you feel you never really got that as a child. But at the same time, you’re traumatized with being emotionally close to people. Whenever you get to an emotionally close situation you’re looking for, you freeze up with your childhood’s coping mechanism. You freeze, because subconsciously your body draws a parallel that this emotionally close woman is going to scare and hurt you again.

Damn, that’s so fucked up. How can I be afraid of a person I like so much?

It’s not something you control though. The coping mechanism comes from subconscious or rather, more primal part of your body. It can be cured tho, so sit with me for a while longer.

Tell me, I’ve hurt enough girls with this bullshit.

Good. Now, it’s not going to be easy even if the techniques are quite simple. To integrate the traumatic experiences into your past, you need to go through those situations again which can trigger your coping mechanisms. It probably will also feel extremely unpleasant and anxiety inducing, and feel like you wanna stop it right there and then.

Well, I will try to not run away anymore.

That’s smart of you. It’d be awesome if you had someone safe to talk about this, but the situation is as it is. Go to a professional therapist when you can, even if not asking for help is the very problem here.

But as me, one way to help your body process and integrate traumatic experiences is to sit in a dark room buried in pillows and blankets. Listen to bilateral music, where there’s a steady rhythm of alternating left and right side bass sounds. Then dig into the painful memories. When you feel anxiety increasing, stay in that memory, focus on your breathing, and follow the side-to-side change of the sound with your eyes. Resume when the feeling has settled down. If you face a part of yourself that stops you from going further, ask yourself what is that part of you protecting. Thank that part for its job thus far, and ask it to stand aside so you can dive deeper. Ask yourself what was fucked up in the situation and how should the parents have acted there.

That sounds simple. I guess I could at least try that. Tho that sounds like woo-woo that I’m not good with. It can’t be that easy, can it?

I wouldn’t call it easy. The technique is quite simple, but resurfacing the painful and traumatic memories won’t be easy. The hard part is to find ways that help your body reintegrate the memories.

Right, so you reintegrate those memories with hanging in a dark room? Isn’t that complete woo-woo?

Strictly speaking no. There’s scientific evidence on the lateral movement of eyes helping with at least some specific types of trauma, but this is mostly mix’n’match of techniques I’ve found, tried, and seemed to work for us two.

Right, so I guess it’s worth acknowledging. How long should I do this?

As long as it takes. It might take long, it might be over quite quick. Tho you most likely will find new things to work through once the first thing seems to be resolved. That’s what has happened to me every time.

So you just keep going?

It probably stops eventually, but you’ve got basically your whole lifetime worth of problems to resolve. It takes time, so take your time. It’s worth it.

Fine, if you say so. Will this lead to a better relationship?

Not immediately. But it does help you become more open and vulnerable, so you can better see whether someone actually is a good fit for you in the long term. You know, instead of just satisfying a craving of closeness and affection.

Right.

Because without this, you could end up in a relationship just for the craving of emotional closeness thus…

…end up hurting yet another girl. Right. I hope someday I can appreciate that closeness and feel that someone cares about me daily.

I hope so too.