My body and uncertainty whether I’m hot

Oh daaaaamn, Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey trilogy is so freaking hot.

I know, right! Not Henry Cavill, but not that far off.

I wish I had that kind of well-defined muscular body instead of being this fat blob.

Okay, I’ll stop you right there. You know that you’re already fit and girls see you as hot, right?

Well, yeah, but I still have so much to go. I don’t really have visible abs or anything.

Don’t take that as the only measurement whether you’re lean or not.

But that’s what girls like. How can I not compare myself to that and see how far off I am?

First. You watched the 50 Shades of Grey with a girl that reassured you immediately after those thirst trap scenes that she likes your body.

But still —

No buts here, she noted your body every time. It’s not mere flattery. You’re already in a category where multiple girls find you hot, vocalize it constantly and trust you easier due to the halo effect. Got it?

But having visible abs wouldn’t hurt my looks, so I’m not there yet.

I said no buts. Though that’s something you might need to work through mentally, because we might not be able to achieve visible abs ever. That’s your curse of once being obese and losing the 50kg so your skin over the abs is quite loose. Thus while you can see some definition, you might never achieve the very chiseled definition some people can get to. But that’s OK. It won’t stop you from being perceived as hot for girls.

What do you mean by that it’s OK?

You still remember your girl saying that you’re hot just a second ago?

Well, yeah? What of it?

That’s external validation. And the happy feeling didn’t last for long, did it?

Not for long, yeah.

That’s because validation from others doesn’t last long. And trying to feel valued by being better looking and getting more validation isn’t going to improve your life. If anything, you’ll probably just find a new flaw to focus on.

Nah, I wouldn’t do that. I’m not dumb.

Oh, you wouldn’t? You lost 50kg which was the goal, then you changed the focus to abs. You got a job you enjoyed, then you changed your focus on not earning enough from it. You date girls you find hot and have exactly the sex you’ve wanted, and now you change your focus to finding even hotter girls. That’s all external validation, where you just move the goal post every time you reach it.

Well what else am I supposed to do then? Not reach higher?

Instead of validation from others, you should focus on why you feel the need to have external validation in the first place.

What do you mean?

We started this with you thinking you’re still a fat blob, so let’s focus on that. You were bullied for being chubby basically through your entire elementary school and you cope with your traumas with hyperindependence. You’ve built this idea in your head that if only you were as good looking as those guys like Henry Cavill with well defined muscles, there would be no problems.

Would you get compliments? Definitely. But you’re trying to feel valued by gaining compliments from others, instead of processing the wounds of the past. It’s those wounds that prevent you from appreciating the compliments you receive. Whether they are from hot girls and regardless how many times, you don’t fully appreciate the compliments even now. How would more of those help? You need to appreciate your body yourself first, before compliments from others can do you good.

So, you’re saying that instead of gaining abs, I should focus on licking my wounds? That again sounds a bit woo-woo stuff.

It’s not really either-or, rather you can do both, you know. You can strive for better physique while you process wounds that make you unsure about yourself. That builds you into a more secure and confident person, even if you might not achieve a body like Henry Cavill or Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. And you know, it’s that mastery over your inner problems that a lot of girls find attractive.

Having a hot physique and being secure with yourself are building blocks for confidence that girls look for in.